Wild Kingdom

So, Fleur unilaterally decides that Mama Coon and babies need food. But, Adorable Mischievous Mammals cannot be fed in the garage where they keep pooping in the Charger Hemingway is rebuilding... What to do? Feed them under the deck. Hemingway is France on this one: Ok, you go do that, knock yourself out, I am not coming along. Why? Because last summer, Fleur fed the raccoons, and eventually an opossum showed up (like they do) and got into it with Wags and hurt her rather badly. But, the coons are Cute and We Should Feed Them. So, we do. Now, last night, I went down to put out the cat food for them (I supposed I'm England here), and guess what? There are not two adorables and Mama, there are FOUR adorables and Mama. So, nightly, under the deck, there's this swirl of stripey, masked, adorability out one of my windows. I am for this. But, Dear Opossum, if you come to my house, I will shoot you. Wags is not going down in fight with you. So, stay in the creek, OK? Believe me, if Wags were dead already of age, and it was just Foxy to be concerned for: I would let Foxy handle it. But, you really need to stay out of my yard. You may object that this is a speciesist policy. That I'm just siding with the coons because they're cuter than you are. It's true. But, your own behavior is part of the problem. You will attack my dog. You have attacked my dog. I can't have that. You see, Dear Opossum, my yard will not become Iraq. I will not let you establish an insurgency because I am actually ruthless enough to defend my own.