Post-Op

Appt. is today. I've been proud of taking only 1/2 the dose of my pain meds, my re-acquired ability to type, so on. I've been cheerful. You know, like I do. No trouble here, oh no.

I would very much like to saw off my left arm and feed it to my dogs as a treat. I have perhaps done too much too fast in my usual congenital misrecognition of simple human limitations. It hurts. At the ends of the last two days I have cried. I'm not a crier (except at horse races and really obvious sentimental scenes in films or serious emotional stress or when something beautiful and just happens -- cuz that's rare). I have a really high pain tolerance. Used to be that my shoulder might get hurt, or wander out, and I would just take a breath and ease it back in. Many people pass out from this kind of pain. When it came out this time, the muscles got all jammed up, and i couldn't get my arm down to put it in, For Six Hours, plus a drive over bumpy country roads with my shoulder out, so I felt Every Single pebble and cigarette butt between here and the hospital, and I bore that with some moaning, but no passing out.

And I have reached the end of my rope. I'm either all pulled inside myself because it hurts in that glassy-eyed, not spiritually present way, or because the drugs simply make me absent. I hate being unavailable to the world and people in this way. I need help putting on a bra, or most shirts, and I can't make my own coffee. There is a Major Lesson in good vulnerability here and accepting kindness and not being Super Girl All The Time, and it is a hard pill to swallow. As usual. The ALL is whacking on my Scorpio-Aries Moon combo and telling me to get EVEN MORE open now, or else. OK! But, first, I . want. more., or more effective,. dope.

Speaking of super girl: did you know that Brenda Starr comics are still in production? I did not. Brenda Starr, feisty girl reporter and stunning red-head, is a reason I'm a red-head. Go play in the soap opera comic that helped make my hair what it is today. It's more fun than listening to me cry and moan.