Dear Oprah,

The Mommy Wars. It was encouraging to see you interview moms who work outside the home and in it, and to see you with an advisor who points out that well loved children with Tuned In parents do just fine in life. It was great to listen to these mom's and their choices and their conversation, their conflict. But, their conflict bothered me enormously. Their sense of judgement. I think that judgement comes from a rather complex situation in our society, and is not mere a difference of attitude on the parts of these mothers. The insecurity I saw in every one of these mothers, whether voiced as such or voiced as judgement of another -- that insecurity has concrete causes and can be alleviated.

You mentioned, for about three seconds, that the US is the only post-industrial nation not to federally mandate family friendly workplace policies like flex-time, family leave for mothers/fathers/children of parents, job sharing, etc. And I was a little sad about this because this is where the practical level of pressure and insecurity and judgement are coming from. The other source is our Mythology of Motherhood, and that's another issue altogether.

Since the economy needs these mothers in the workplace, and since most families simply cannot make it on one income, women have these difficult choices to make. Difficult choices are part of mature life, but they don't have to be this difficult, this responsible for enmity between women. Feminist sociologists and scholars have, over the decades, analyzed this very problem, and suggested policy changes. This women's issue has received almost no serious response from Business or Government. a host of books and articles address the issue, many of them making concrete suggestions for change.

It would be, I think, a very interesting program to invite some of those scholars onto the show to discuss their research and suggestions in this area. Doing so would provide America's mothers with some context and some ideas with which to understand to the socio-cultural situation in which they are experiencing these conflicts, and some ideas about what to demand that would make life more workable. Not perfect, just more workable.

Of course, working means possibly missing the first steps. Of course, a mom who finds personal fulfillment partly in her work will feel a little small and frustrated if she stays home. All choices have effects, and there's no avoiding that. Of course, the way in which our culture both idolizes and utterly devalues motherhood is harder to take on than the structure of work. But, the structure of work can be a point from which to look more carefully at these other dimensions of women's experience in the US. The structure of work can be addressed, and can lead to women find more creative and imaginative ways of engaging with work and raising children. And then, let's get the men to catch up with us. That would be good too.

In admiration and respect,
Stormierbones