Move-ing

Ah, my dears. The last months I’ve exhibited only the happy and forward-leaning elements of my departure. That’s what I’ve felt. Now, there’s a shift. After the fantastic Bon Voyage Party at Andrew’s (with much assistance from Karen and Hiram, thanks for the Marvelous, Savory, and Elegant Fare, Hiram), and after the long talk with Karen when I got back from NY, I am now feeling it. Thank you, Karen, for letting me see and honor what’s really going on here. I’m leaving, and both I and some of my friends here are very sad about this. I want you to know that I’m with you in this shift, this loss, and not just joyfully and callously bouncing off to my new adventure. …

By Sunday, I felt it -- the loss I’m creating for myself and my friends. So far, this whole Epiphanic Leap has not felt like a sacrifice, but it does now. I feel now that I’m giving up the physical comfort and presence of these delightful and endlessly enriching people I have in Dallas, and that the loss of that presence is deep in me. Now, as Karen and Heather have wisely said, Dear Old Southwest flies us cheap and direct, so we can still be with each other. And sure, I plan come down. And sure, I Plan To Have You Loves Come To Visit (that is an order, btw). But as Karen said, we won’t be able to drop by, to sit on the porches of homes and eateries and just revel in each other in this easy way anymore. This, I’m finding, is the price of my desires. Don’t they all have prices, no matter how complicated the emotional payments?

I told Karen that in NY at the conference, I met people who are waiting for my book on the poetics of being two, and she reminded me, rather sternly and with love, that there’s an audience here already waiting for it. I should remember that. That you are here, ready to see what I make in this year or so, my loves, means a world to me.

The tokens, the bookstore gift cards, Le Petit Prince in French, the delicate pendant from Persia, the huge card from the Gen Studs Gang, the journal of friends thoughts at the party and over this week. These are in my heart, and I’ll have them in my room at home to remind me that we hold each other.

No worries, loves, I’ll be back. You will come to visit. That home of mine is a perfect vacation.