Sympathy Cards

People are dying. My neighbors' dad/grandpa, a close friend's brother and dad. All this week. For the close friend, no card. Why? Because I went to go by a card for the neighbors, and sympathy cards lack an essential quality...

sympathy.

I've lived near and known my neighbors for over 20 years. I babysat all three boys, who are now all 2 to 3 times larger than I am. I used to toss them onto the couch in a game well called Flying. One is now a pro rugby player, and I assure you, the size of a small truck. When he got be about my size (he was 10) he said I couldn't tell him what to do because I wasn't bigger than him anymore. My response: I grabbed him about the waist, turned him upside down, and bounced his head gently on the floor, righted him, and asked, "What was that?" We have not, thank goodness, had the payback moment. His mother cracked up at the time and said, "Huh, I hadn't thought of that." But, then she's 5' 10". This is an amazing family of care, good manners, helpfulness, smarts. They are the kind of people that you just know are good to the core and willing to act on it. You know this right when you meet them. I know Grandpa had a hand in that from stories they've told. Grandpa was the special elder to the youngest of the sons. We were just talking about that last week when the son came over to ride horses. He, by the way, is studying to be a large animal vet.

When my grandma, Betsy Helen, died, there was not a thing in the world you could tell me. I knew her death was a good thing for her, I knew that she welcomed it, I knew that I had a hole in my chest, I knew that I would have to walk through that hole. People let me be, or held me, or let me rattle on telling stories about her for a long time, or let me stare into space at odd moments. But, they did not shower me with half-baked schmaltz. Which was wise. Her wake and funeral reflected her and how she lives in all of us. We told stories, we cooked marvelous food, we laughed big belly laughs at some stories and at each other. We showered Grandpa with hugs and sat by him in silence. We cried, hard, at the eulogy. We spent that time loving each other real hard. It is one of my favorite memories, ever.

Deaths and families and funerals all have their own character, their quirks and necessities. Attending to those nuances is a big part of loving those in grief.

These cards, however, suck. What is it about death? I mean, really, it's not a shocking new development in the human experience, and these cards just skip right over any actual emotion or connection or reality to canned phrases and pablum seconded only my mother's day cards. They do not approach the situation honestly or sincerely. I hate them. What about the phrase, "May your hearts find their lightness again.... with sympathy" is in any way comforting or even really kind? "The stars may not be lights, but windows in the heavens through which our loved ones watch and love us." Oh. my. god. Thanks, I feel all hugged and supported. This emptiness, this cliche, can this actually feel even just OK when the emotions a grieving person stews in are Vast and Quite Deep and often Complicated even paradoxical? We're going to tell fairy tales in this situation? What are we? Even the official phrase, "I am sorry for your loss," is more genuine and real.

Is it that hard to find the words, the look, the gesture that will tell a grieving human, "I am right here with you"?? Is it? I don't think so. I've done it, I've seen it done, I've received it.

Someone died. This is normal. On the other hand, it's a terrible, normal, everyday thing that breaks our hearts utterly. Because there is no recourse, no alternative. That particular heart break is one we Must Learn and Make Part of Us in order be human together. These fucking cards do their level best to negate that, to refuse it, to guard against it. They are the antithesis of care or love. They are the words of strangers. We are not strangers in the presence of death. We are intimates, siblings, immediate family there.

So, if you become a grieving person, and I don't send you a Hallmark Card, please be assured I have something much more appropriate in the works. Cultures of Life deal with death head on and in full. Just keep that in mind.