Guests and Pet Peeves Re: Body Image

Our Guest accidentally reminded me of a pet peeve that I've never told my friends is a peeve -- out of politeness. When Guest arrive the other night, the first thing she asked me was, "Wow, have you lost weight?"

It's a kind-of compliment.

Because, you know, every curvy woman in the US has a patriotic duty to be dissatisfied with her body and be trying to lose weight and to gush thanks when people indicate that she might just have dropped half a pound.

It's as if simply telling a woman she looks good today, or in that dress or those pants, or just as is might ruin her humility and make her too happy and strong to contend with. Well, I'm with Nietzsche on that: give me strong contenders. Most of the US, however unconsciously or innocently (or pointedly), goes for the back-handed take-down.

I have a pal in TX, gay and male and more body-hating-conscious than most of the women I know, who would say that to me every time we saw each other. He meant it nicely, as a compliment. I love him. He's a dear friend. I never told him that when he asked that my brain went, "Huh ... thanks." I would smile and say, "No, I haven't." And that would be it. This went on for the whole six years we worked together.

The sub-text of the "compliment" is that I SHOULD be trying to lose to weight. I should be distracted from relationships, scholarship, poetry, fun, and spirit by the fact that I have a body, am female, and am therefore permanently defective in some obvious and socially embarrassing/limiting way.

Here's the thing: I Am Not Trying To Lose Weight. Never have, likely never will. I'm pretty damn happy in my flexible, strong, balanced, talented, curvy body that rarely falls ill.

I have never, in my life, asked anyone if they've lost weight. Or if their hair color is natural. Or if they wear elevators in their shoes. Or if their eyes are really that shade of violet. Or if they've had some work done recently. Or if that chest waxing hurt. And I wish that y'all would cut it out because this (probably accidental) policing of each other's bodies translates to a policing of to what ends we put our energy, dedicate our life force.

What I can tell you is that I have never been at loss for flirtations or attractions though I do not walk about the planet Knowing That I Am All That. Being too physically strong "for a girl" in high school put the hex pride, and vanity ain't pretty.

So please, just stop at "Wow."