Moving or Move-ing

Moving. When I told my brother about my decision to move back to Mound City's environs to write and think for while, he said, "Nothing changes your life like changing your life." A nice bumper sticker bit of affirmation from the Sib. At the time I had no idea how loudly that statement would ring.... Click &c.

I THOUGHT I was simply changing scene and foci. Trading city for Shire, teaching for thinking. That I would go, settle, establish a schedule, and do the scholarship and publication thang. I worked out a schedule, am exploring the resources that will assist me, and, of course, am notifying lots of businesses and organizations of my future address, boxing, boxing, boxing up the books, imagining where all my Stuff will go once I'm in my new flop, reducing the Stuff as dramatically as possible, looking forward to cooking with the Parental Units, chewing the fat with the Sib, scritching the horses ears. Research and suggestions from friends w/r/t are revealing the secret locations of my kind of fun and stimulation in the city. The intellectual and external life are easy to plan for. Fun too. I thought I was making sure my biographer would have a fifth chapter that plotted other than: she wrote a little, saw some movies, taught another class, took an interesting trip to ________, fell for the wrong guy. Rinse. Repeat.

Since the meltdown and loosening of last October, I have been met with the Mice and Men Principle head on. Silly Monkey. Change is CHANGE, not on one level, but all of them. The energy around a Prodigal, the one who will leave (but not to squander, one hopes), attracts and stirs up all manner of energy in other people.

Move-ing:

One energy is loving and cherishing. People who've expressed a little gratitude for my application of talent on their behalf are expressing it more often more deeply, and showing that along with that there has also been a less than obvious genuine love for me. People who have been my close friends and my fun-friends are making a point of spending time, saying the things to each other's hearts that we need to, being anxious that we stay in touch. It's tender and lovely, and I'm full with their warmth and with warmth for them. One shifted gears, letting a long denied desire surface, cautiously, that didn't go anywhere though be we both hoped, and now we're seeing about keeping that friendship but letting it change depths. That's bittersweet, and confusing, but has the chance to be OK. Some friends are making their moves to change their lives, which is beautiful and right, and adds some extra vibes to the whirl of this. And I'm seeing just how rich is my life here, how grateful I am for it in the personal levels. And for the friends who are so settled in my life and soul and I in theirs that we could pick up and go anywhere and know the connection flexes enough for that.

Another energy is resentful. I'm finding this mostly at work. People who can't imagine their own lives largely enough, some for good reasons, some not, are surprised and put off their balance by the idea that someone might leave the island. One in particular has been taking completely ineffective, passive-aggressive pot shots at me on and off for the last months. I find it amusing, and wish that colleague a greater sense of possibility. Some harbinger a real animosity, like I owe them something (my whole life for instance). Some folks at work have just disconnected from me altogether. If I'm not there, won't be there soon, I might as well not be there now; so it's as if they don't see me anymore. Which is interesting.

Another energy is plain old wicked. This one has the greatest lesson in it. Some friends have simply never really been friends. A pattern in my world that I need to shift. Their images, projections, desires, fictions of me are taking over and blotting the reality of me out. They've tried to make me manageable, useful, to take me for one part of me. It's been dark and terrible there.

But the lesson was clear. The work that needs to come from the lesson is clear. And lots of my heart-friends are helping me see how to work and grow in those lessons. Whole new parts of my life are coming alive, slowly, with some work. The spirit about which I used to read and think is becoming, slowly, in fits and starts, part of my physical living, a practice. I'm sooooo theory girl, it's important to touch ground more often. One friend wisely ordered me to ask Cosmos for the gentlest possible lessons, and promise to learn from them. Good idea! So the move is a Move. One friend who was just an interesting acquaintance has come closer. One who is just an acquaintance has shown real joy at this shift. Several have listened to me rage, and regret, and cry -- more than once, not always usefully. All have my back. I am full with thanks.

It'll be bumpy, like all adventures of the soul, but I see that the next chapter also involves a lot of attention to the soul I've ignored too much here. More time on the mat, more time on the cushion, more time in serious/playful investigation. I've been walking-dead for too long.

I am scared of this. Don't be confused. I am scared. I don't know what's coming for certain, and my habit of caution, of resistance, of noble excuses for not running to find out is a hard one to shed. I am also pushing through that. There's a reason that I liked Riki-Tiki Tavi so much, that Tigger made me glad when I was little.

You never know whose waiting to love you a little or a lot. Try to see how much Cosmos desires to give you. But, when you do, get your balance, because you'll need it.